Having a wall is okay too…that is what protects you!

People often assume that by having boundaries in your life means that you are shut off from everyone and have no interest in letting anyone in, but this is so far from the truth. They are limits you set yourself and are based on not only what is important to you but also can be built based off of past traumas and situations. They can be both physical, mental, or emotional limits and they dictate how you want to be treated and how you will treat others as well.

Setting boundaries can take time and patience and will be a lot of trial and error as you learn further about what you need and also about how boundaries need to be addressed with the different people in your life too. There is no shame in setting boundaries in order to protect your own well-being and people who don’t understand. It can be hard for others to respect your boundaries too, but this is not a reflection of you as a person.

When I began to set my boundaries, I followed the steps below so that I could elaborate and explore what I really wanted to set as boundaries and what actually needed changing in my life. It also helped me to understand the reason why I needed to instil those boundaries into my life too. I’ sharing the process I took and also the boundaries I made in my life and the reasons why I wanted those boundaries.

1. First I identified what behaviours from others that were affecting me and how they were affecting me including every behaviour that made me feel uncomfortable and the people also that were affecting me also. I made sure I wrote all the emotions in full and elaborated as much as I could for this step too.

2. For each behaviour and person I then wrote down what boundary would help me feel better but also would protect me from those negative emotions again and what steps I would need to take to put them into place. I also included what I would do if anyone disrespected those boundaries including separating myself from them if need be.

3. I communicated to the people around me about the boundaries I would be putting into my life and explained why I needed to put them into place. If anyone was not respectful of this fact I simply distanced myself in order to then remove them fully from my direct circle.

By doing all of these steps you’re also learning about what you will accept in your life from other people and what you wont which ultimately will improve your mental wellbeing too. It might feel like you are losing people in your life and you may end up on your own but trust me when I say you would rather eat alone than with a table full of snakes and fakes. So, here are some of the boundaries I put into place and why I established them in the first place.

Saying no without guilt…This one was HUGE for me. I have spent my life agreeing to things I don’t want to do just to make other people happy as I was putting their happiness before my own. This was including all areas of my life including relationships and my biggest eyeopener was agreeing to things in a relationship that were actually not only affecting me mentally but also was having an effect on the relationship because I was hiding who I was just to please them. Saying no to things was hard to begin with but now if I don’t want to do something, I can simply say ‘no thank you’.

Saying yes because you want too….I had become so accustomed to saying no I had forgotten how to say yes. Learning how to actually agree to things in life, friendships and relationships was actually quite refreshing as I was then able to really show who I was as a person and was either accepted or not but with the boundaries I had in place, if I wasn’t accepted, it wasn’t affecting my mental and emotional wellbeing.

Identifying when a boundary has been broken…Due to previous trauma and abusive relationships I would ignore red flags and when people overstepped my boundaries, I allowed it because I didn’t really know any different. I am still learning to keep my boundaries solid and in place but now when someone breaks it, I have a conversation with them to discuss how the behaviour affected me and how they broke it because sometimes people don’t realise. Just like it takes us a while to establish them and keep them in place, it can take a little while for your circle to remember them. I also let them know that if it was to occur again what I would have to do to reset the boundary.

Taking responsibility for your own happiness…This was a big one for me. I have spent my life placing my happiness in the hands of others that it was so hard to place it in my own hands. I took some time and a double spread page in my journal and created a brainstorm of all the things that made me happy in life that did not involve the participation of anyone else just so that I was recognising I can find happiness in myself without the need of anyone else. This also allowed me to find things that I could do alone that were outside of my first list. For example, in my main list I wrote down that reading is one thing that makes me happy and both personal development books and novels were my main source of happiness but then when I began to elaborate further, I found that same happiness could be found in online blogs & writing myself too which is something I will be exploring.

Hopefully this helps you to understand the importance of boundaries, how to go about setting them and what a healthy boundary is.

Remember, your boundaries are just that…YOURS and no one can take them from you and if they break them, it's time for you to break the cord attaching them to you.

Ang_xo