September already, surely not!

Well that crept up quickly and I have no idea whatsoever where this year has gone…

I have spent a lot of time away from social media because I needed the mental break. I was spending too much time consumed by it, by other peoples lives, living in the drama that unfolds within my phone and comparing my life to people I have never ever met. I had begun to hate my life because it hadn’t turned out the way I wated or the way other peoples had.

Turning 33 made me feel awful…other people were married, had a family, in their forever homes and living their best life and there was me. Disabled single mum, small flat, not married, 2 failed engagements under my belt and living in pain daily. No prospects of a relationship, no prospects of working because of the pain and extremely lonely. No social circle to meet up with and no partner can lead to a lot of regret and isolation which hurts.

The only social circles I have are in my phone on social media group chats where most know about my pain and chronic health issues, most know I am completely isolated from the outside world but they fail to recognise that when I am feeling awake and okay enough to come into the groups for a conversation that they are only isolating me further when they tell me to go away. I am at a point in my life where I actually feel like I have nowhere to turn. I am either given sympathy that I don’t want as it’s a reminder of how crappy my life is or told to go away…that hurts. Imagine for a second that you are stuck in a small flat with only your 6 year old for company, no one comes to see you anymore and the only people you have to talk to are in your phone. Living daily in pain and on your own to then be told to go away. You have no idea the additional pain it causes when the only people you do have to talk to tell you to leave the chats and rest when there is only so much resting you can do. Now I just stay out of the chats unless I am tagged for something because what is the actual point of talking to be ignored.

Even my love-life is shocking to say the least…every guy that walks into my life thinks they can handle the ‘baggage’ I come with until they realise how hard it is and then they leave, or on the flip side they treat me as an option and are playing me against other woman and of course I always come out at the bottom because there is always someone better. Social media had me questioning my worth, comparing my looks with other woman and making my body dysmorphia even worse than it already was. The other woman were prettier, slimmer, no chronic pain issues and were just better than me all round and that can be a hard pill to swallow.

So, when September begun I promised myself that I would stop comparing and focus on myself. I picked up the personal development books to relook at the pages and begun making plans for my future on my own but remembering to take it one day at a time. I promised to no longer focus on the negatives in my life but look at the positives and remember how far I have come. I will put time and energy into the people and situations that reciprocate it and no longer pay attention to the people that quite clearly have no regard to my mental and emotional wellbeing when they isolate me from their circles.

September is the month I take back control and focus on myself because for so long I have focused on the wrong things and the wrong people…its time to focus on me for once because I deserve it.

Ang_xo