September Evaluation

As I shared in my previous blog post here my first evaluation for September. I do these normally once a month in the middle of the month. I chose the middle because then it gave me enough time to lay foundations down of any changes before the end of the current month as well as set the goals in place for the start of the next month. Each question is open ended with the majority containing 2 questions allowing for elaboration on that question. You don’t always have to go into as much detail as I have but I find that it is important to be as full and elaborated as possible.

This is me being completely honest and open about all areas of my life, my emotions and my mental state. I want change in my life and I know that if you want change in your life and you want something that you have never had you have to do things that you have never done. For me, exposing myself to the world of social media and having full transparency is scary as hell but if it helps just one person change their life, their perspective or their mindset then I’ve done my job right.

September 2022

#1 – Am I happy right now, what is contributing to this?

I would say on a scale of 1-10 I am around a 6. I am learning slowly to create and stick to my boundaries instead of allowing people into my life that don’t deserve a place there. I have been around a lot of people recently that have done nothing but bring me down, lie to me and include me in their lies to others and it was destroying me mentally. I tried to defend people that didn’t deserve my loyalty because in the end I was the one seen as the bad person which I knew I wasn’t. I was left in a position where I couldn’t defend myself either which again contributed to my low moods, but I have re-established my boundaries and am working on concentrating on the things that make me happy rather than being involved with things that serve no purpose or bring happiness into my life.

#2 – What has been the biggest life lesson I have learnt in the last month & how did it changed me?

That people’s actions do not always match with their words. People you have known for years who you think you know like the back of your hand can flip like a switch and become unrecognisable to you right before your very eyes and it is a scary experience to go through. To watch people, you care about completely change is a very weird situation to be in as you are suddenly stuck in the unknown. I have learnt that people you care about may not care about you as much as you do them and that no matter bow much you may care for someone and want to put their best interests at heart, that isn’t always reciprocated, and you have to keep your guard up and not let them in once they’ve hurt you…those people never change.

#3 – What has been the biggest waste of my time & energy that I wish I hadn’t given attention?

PEOPLE!!! Certain people have been the biggest energy drain and although I have given people 100% and never let them go through anything on their own, they have left me in the dust and not cared when I was struggling. It’s like I threw them a lifeline and sent out search and rescue when they needed me to be there for them but while I was drowning, they didn’t even notice. People are strange…and I have learnt to live with that. Anyone bringing that kind of negativity in my life do not deserve a seat at my table because I would much rather eat alone.

#4 – Has anything changed me this last month and how did it change me?

Having to rebuild up my walls again after bringing them down slightly…I want to be the kind of person that people can come to when they need someone, a dependable friend and someone who can be open and honest about their real selves but that becomes so hard when people mistreat you and you become a burden to them because it makes you question your worth as a person. Lord knows I have done nothing but question my worth this last year and I am finally at a place in my life where I have remembered that my worth does not lie in the vision of others but in the reflection I see when I look in the mirror. Only I can define my worth and other people do not have the power nor the ability to make me feel inferior without my permission.

#5 – Am I living life in alignment with my soul and being true to my real self?

I can actually say I am on the right path to be in alignment with my soul…I still have a lot of personal development to do and a lot of inner work but I am getting there slowly. I am listening to what my body tells me, am focused on some goals I have set as well as focusing on my emotional wellbeing too. It’s taken a lot to get to this point but I am getting there. One day at a time.

#6 – What do I love about myself & my life right now and can this continue into the next month?

I still love my ability to see the good in people. Even though it is the thing that makes me most vulnerable and is actually why I get hurt in the long run, I hope that this one trait never leaves me. I want to always see the good in people rather than the bad and be able to let them in. My life right now is getting some stability within it and we are working on a new schedule for home-schooling as well as enrolling into groups and learning programmes for her too which will also give me some routine too. She is so excited to start a new group this coming week and I can’t wait to see her flourish there too and will do her the world of good to be able to interact with other children in her age range. In the upcoming months we will have a better routine in place in the home and hopefully she will be more open to learning in other ways too.

#7 – Are there any significant people in my life right now, what are they adding to my life?

At the moment, not really. I have close friends who I hold dear to my heart & always will but to protect their own privacy I won’t include them but they know who they are. They are the people who have bothered (when they have had the time) and hear me when I am silent and for that I will forever be thankful. They may not always hear the silence but once they notice I have disappeared for a while they will drop a message to check in. I do however feel that I don’t have a steady group of friends or even 1 friend who I can share everything with and who makes time for me. I don’t have a single person who actually knows me fully and I wish I did to be honest…life can get pretty lonely until someone notices you’re missing.

#8 – What was the most memorable moment and how did it make me feel?

For me it was going to the beach with my daughter. She has been to the beach before but not what I would class as a proper beach with sand. It was an amazing day and for the first time in a long while the happiness overrode the pain level and it was just a lovely day. I forgot about all my problems and had an amazing time with company that I will no longer see now but I am thankful for those days where I could forget about the world for a while and just feel at peace. Seeing my daughters face fill with amazement was a moment I wont forget…if they ever see this; thank you, it meant the world.

#9 – What is one thing that I could do differently in the next month?

Concentrating on myself and my own wellbeing, I want to be able to look back and say I chose me. I will make sure I focus on myself and everything I want to achieve. Life is needing to change now and for the better…I want to be me again and the only way I can do that is by focusing on me and only me.

#10 – Wellness check-in; physical, emotional & mental.

Physical: Pain levels are at a steady 5-7 each day and no lower which is a killer. It’s making me sleep a hell of a lot more than normal, I am drained and tired all the time and my body aches so much. I have been having a lot more spasms than usual and my muscles in my legs are tensing a lot more lately. I have also had a lot more issues with my arms which is a nightmare. I am struggling sometimes to cook when my arms are dead, they feel heavy a lot and I have having muscle jerks where I am dropping hot drinks etc. which can make life difficult.

Emotional: I have been nothing but drained recently and emotionally I have been all over the place. I am drained beyond belief but I am working up from the bottom.

Mental: The depression has been hitting me pretty damn hard recently and what with feeling so isolated from the world that hasn’t helped in the slightest. My body dysmorphia is way too high and I am hating the body I am in so I am working on that too. I plan on maybe taking some photos will make me feel better rather than just selfies of my face…I need to feel better in myself and the only way I can do that is mentally accepting that this is my life and my body right now and I have to accept it.

So now we put to work on what need to be done, lay those foundations because the only way I can possibly feel any better now is to build myself up from rock bottom and I find it makes a pretty good foundation to build on.

Ang_xo