When pain becomes a part of you that will never leave…

& you just have to learn to deal with it.

A year ago I was told the worst news that I was not prepared for…

“I’m sorry Miss Burns but the scarring from your operation is quite severe on your nerves which we did not expect, we had to work on more than the number of discs we originally thought and after your recent scan we have can confirm that you do have discs out of place in the top of your spine including your neck which has been the cause of the symptoms in your arms. Taking all of this into consideration we want you to understand that unfortunately you won’t get better and in fact your symptoms may in fact get worse over time so you will need to take medication for the rest of your life unless your symptoms subside which is unlikely. Physio have also confirmed that due to lack of muscle strength and a very low pain threshold there is very little they can do on their end either”.

That conversation shook me to the core & I stumbled out of there as numb as my legs are. After following all the advice, the exercises, the medication plans, all the scans, procedures, tests and poking and prodding & the dreaded operation was all for nothing. I done everything they asked of me and I ended up in more pain than I was in in the first place and more mentally unstable than I was in the beginning. With that news I shut the world out. I was frustrated and angry at the whole world but I had no idea how my life would look a year on from that conversation.

I can’t do much without feeling exhausted, I have to ask for basic help for things I should be able to do. Mentally I am struggling and have spent countless hours sobbing into a pillow in silence so that my daughter doesn't see me break. Some days I can barely get dressed with the pain being so high and with isolating myself from the world for so long I have lost most of my friendships and have no real way of getting them back. I mean, how do you explain to someone that you shut the world out but want to build the friendship back…you just can’t. No-one is where they were when I left as life moves on and despite me shutting the curtains, the world kept moving but that doesn’t mean I haven’t looked in on them. They’re doing amazing and I am not only so happy for them but so so proud of how far they have come in the space of a year. I doubt they’ll ever read this but they are all doing amazing.

Me? I’m starting my life from rock bottom. I have sat in the rubble and ruin for a year and enough is enough. With every brick that’s been thrown my way I will rebuild and it may take me longer than most but I will get there.

One day at a time…

Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Ang_xo